Funny Phrases

This post contains funny phrases that are good for kids and senior citizens and all in between.

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Sexy Jokes

Sexist Joke I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots. I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago. Women Joke 1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job. 2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh. 3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you. 4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you. 5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other. Winter Joke Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open. Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.” 15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.” Husband Joke My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems....
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Short Funny Jokes

Witty Joke Man to his wife: ' I’d never say you’re fat! You’re just a bit more visible. Ghost Joke Why are ghost such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through. Nose Joke What would you call a person who had no body and no nose? Nobody knows. Naughty Joke I saw this sweet poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself. At least I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than 3.50 in her wallet. Calendar Joke Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now. Fish Joke Where do fish sleep? In the River Bed. Talk Joke Talk is cheap, yeah? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?! Driving Joke My wife’s driving test went surprisingly well yesterday. She got 7 out of 12. The 5 managed to run to safety. Hospital Joke I called the hospital but the line was dead. Husband Joke Husband: Wow, honey, you look really different today. Did you do something to your hair? Wife: Michael, I’m over here! Tree Joke Do you know a tree’s favorite drink? Root beer! P...
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Comedy Jokes

Shop Joke In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?" Doctor Joke Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. - Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too. Patient Joke Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?” Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!” Eye Joke Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door. Silly Joke Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. - Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking. Bar Joke I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of...
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